My Happy Blessing

Dear Readers,  I have been struggling with whether or not to share part of this post with y'all for almost a year.  Above all, I want to be transparent.  I don't want to only post about the good times, the easy parts of parenting, the cute things my kids do and say.  But at the same time, opening up to anyone who happens by my blog is scary.  However, I keep coming back to this post, so I'm thinking God wants me to put it out there.  Maybe someone needs to read it, to know that they're not alone, that others have been there and are there, that what they're going through is normal.  Thanks for reading. 

In those first few moments after Asher's birth, when they handed him to me and he lay on my chest crying, I fought feelings of near-dislike.

With my first two babies, as soon as I laid eyes on them, it was instant love. Instant connection. But with Asher, it was nothing.

He smelled funny and he would not stop crying.  I was crying.  

Why don't I like this child?

I held him, trying my hardest to love him.  I knew I did, I just didn't feel it.

When I found out I was pregnant with Asher, my emotions were so conflicted.  On the one hand, I was excited.  How could I not be?  A new baby to hold and love!  But at the same time, I was not ready to be pregnant again.  I wanted more kids, just not right away.  My last labor and delivery hadn't yet faded from memory and I just didn't know how I could go through that again so soon.

And here I was... committed to just that.

I fought this anxiety my entire pregnancy.  Thinking about labor would cause a sort of panic in my mind.  So I tried not to think about it.  I tried to focus on the fact that in a few short months, I would be holding a new little life.

However, trying not to think about it didn't really work.  It would come to me randomly, this dark cloud of apprehension.

I read blogs that other moms had written about postpartum depression and wondered if there was such a thing as "prepartum depression."  I felt hopeless, which then made me feel guilty that I wasn't as excited about this new baby as I had been for my first two.  But I could not seem to shake it.

So when I went into labor, I was freaking out internally.  It was so hard mentally, and I knew I could not do this again.  Fortunately, my body, my husband, and my midwife knew what to do.  And I did it (obviously).  At 1:41am on May 5, 2013, Asher entered the world.

And I didn't really like him.

What kind of mother was I?!

The next day in the hospital, I laid my new little boy on the bed and bent over him, studying him close.  He was alert, staring up at me, so I smiled and started talking.

And then he smiled.

He smiled at me.

Immediately, my heart burst with love for this wee little guy.  Something had broken and the feeling was tangible.  I picked him up and snuggled him close.

Asher hasn't stopped smiling.  He melts my heart on a daily basis.  There is just something about that little grin, the way his eyes crinkle, the sight of his little teeth.  It's wholly unlike anything I've seen before.

His smile is contagious.  When we're cruising around the grocery store, or out running errands, he just beams at everyone.  Perfect strangers smile back and comment on his happiness, and I just nod in agreement.  He really is that happy just about all the time.

I call him my happy blessing, which is what his name means.  And it couldn't be more true.  I feel so blessed that God gave this happy little boy to me, especially after how hard I struggled over the timing of his pregnancy.

I learned a much-needed lesson in trust and God's sovereignty.  Even though this was not what I had planned, not even necessarily what I wanted, at that point in my life, God knew better.

I still cry, even today, when I think that if I'd had it my way, my timing, Asher would not be here.

And I can't imagine life without him.  

Happy first birthday, Bugga Boo.  Your Mama loves you more than you'll ever know.

And now to share a few of my favorite Asher-smiles with y'all...

Fiesta-themed birthday party with a sombrero, mustache, and maraca!

First smile caught on camera at 4 days old!

Typical Asher at almost 4 months!

Enjoying springtime at 9 months! 

Normal happy vs. scrunch-faced happy (11 months).

I hope he brightens your day as much as he brightens mine!