Gender Reveal

Today is my 28th birthday, so to celebrate, we're announcing the gender of our greatly-anticipated Baby #4!  (If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, you've already been let in on the secret!)

The anticipation was killing me!  Unlike the 20-week ultrasounds with our other three kids, this time we had to wait for the anatomy scan before finding out the gender.  Eek!

Finally, the technician announced that our sweet #4 would be a little girl.  I almost started crying with happiness.  I've been praying for a sister for my little spice-pot for years!

And recently, she's been joining in those prayers with me.

"Mama, I just want lots of baby sisters!"

Needless to say, she is over-the-moon excited.  The boys are less than thrilled, but I think they'll come around when they finally meet their new sister. ;)

We decided to do a fun little gender reveal for the kids, since we hadn't done one for any of our others.  SO much fun!!  Hallie "predicted" pink while the boys both "predicted" blue.  (Asher was sick, so didn't make the video.)

We have chosen the name Elisha Laine for our little princess, though we mostly plan to call her Laine and Lainey.

Elisha means "my God is salvation," and while the biblical Elisha was a man, the name is actually gender neutral.  Laine, depending on where you look, can mean "path," "wave," or "light."  All of these are beautiful, but we really love the way "path" goes with the meaning of Elisha.  Our prayer for our little girl is that she would be a guide for many on the path to salvation.

 

"The Lord is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation." Exodus 15:2

"You make known to me the path of life; in Your presence there is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore." Psalm 16:11

The Big Five

(photo by MS² Photography)

Gabriel,

You're five and I'm in denial.

It feels like yesterday that I labored to bring you into the world, yesterday that I held you for the first time, weeping from the emotion of it all, kissing all over your sweet little face.  And now you're five.  Break my heart.

You changed my life.  You made me a mama.  You made me who I am.

And every day, you shape me into more of who I'm supposed to be.

I am learning how to love better, deeper, more fully.  I am learning patience (very slowly, I will admit).  I am learning how to think of myself less and others more.

I'm also learning other things -- like the names of dinosaurs, facts about wildlife and aquatic animals, and so many (so. many.) Star Wars backstories -- things I never thought very important or interesting, but I learn them so that I will have an answer when you ask.

Because ask you will.  You love to learn more than anyone I know, which I guess you get from me.  In fact, you get a lot from me.  Some good stuff, some not-so-good stuff.  Your dad and I, we like to say that you got his mind, my personality, and both of our good looks. ;)

And anything you got from me, anything not great?  We can work on that stuff together, with God's help.

You, my precious boy, are an overcomer.  You are strong and brave and confident and humble and kind.  You are a deadly arrow.  You are a mighty man of God.  It doesn't matter if you don't see yourself as any of those things now.  It doesn't even matter if I don't.  What matters is that's who He has called you to be, and by His grace, that's who your dad and I will raise you to be.

I often tell your dad that there's nothing he can't do.  Out of all the people in the world, I truly believe that about him.  You are cut from that same cloth.  You can accomplish anything you want, be anything you want.  The sky really is your limit.

And you will always, always, always have a praying mama behind you.

Yesterday, you sweetly asked to read your brand-spanking-new real Bible (thanks Nana and Papaw!) then you asked to sleep with it -- melt my heart!  Of course we said yes.  I used to get scared at night, just like you, and I liked to sleep with my Bible under my pillow, too.

I pray you soon recognize the power in that book and that you always treasure its words above everything else.  May His Word continually guide and guard your feet and your heart and may you never stray from its commands.  May it become a foundation for you to build your life upon.  May you find life and love and hope in its pages as the Spirit reveals himself to you through them.

I love you, son.

Love,
Your Mama

Some of my favorite pictures of your fifth year.

You and your best buddy, Uncle Anderson.
(photo by EBYPhotography)

Hanging at your favorite place (the zoo), September 2014.

Same spot six months later... big difference! 

Preschool graduation and I could not be more proud.

So happy to be FIVE!  You've been talking about it for almost a year!
(Also note your favorite shirt, haha.)

That profile... that smile... that hair... that NOSE!  All the heart eyes!

Asher-Boy

Asher-Boy,

You, son, are a delight.  An absolute blessing to my life.  Every day, you bring light and laughter to my heart.  Today, on your birthday, I want to take a written "snapshot" of all my favorite things about you (there are a lot!) so that I can look back in the years to come and remember you exactly as you were.  So, here we go...

I love your way with words.  The conversations we share are like no other.  You are so chatty!  I love how you say "yes, ma'am" and "yes, sir."  I love how you communicate, how you repeat everything that anyone says, particularly your siblings.  I love how you already know exactly how to bug them, just by saying one little word... "butt." (We're working on that one.) I love how you're starting to repeat songs, especially when you're singing along with The Imperial March.  

I love your energy, how you run after your brother and sister, never tiring of trying to keep up with their various activities.  I love your courage and your daring spirit, how you climb ladders at the playground and slide down the tallest slides, how you can hold your own (physically and verbally) in a fight with your siblings.  I love your fearless love of swimming (although it seriously freaks me out that you love going under).  I love how you tell people you're "four-and-a-half," because I know you believe you're just as big and as capable as your brother.

I love your obsession with Pixar's Cars, how you carry those character Wheelies around every day, no matter where we go.  I love how you know all their names, how you line every single one up in a straight line when you play.  The other day, you held up Lightning McQueen and told me, "Mah-ween says 'a-CHOW!'" and it's since become one of your favorite things to say.  I love how you love Star Wars and Ninja Turtles, and how you know the names of all those characters, too.  (I also love that you're learning the names of the princesses... you will be very well-rounded, son.)

I love how you love to listen to books, especially "Night Moon," which you almost know by heart.  I love how you let me rock and snuggle you before bed, how you ask for the Sh'ma and "Jesus Me" every night.  I love how you need blankie, pacifier, Brinley the Bear, and Geoffrey the Giraffe to sleep (and sometimes a car or two).  I love that you love your crib and rarely cry to get out, even if you've been awake for an hour.

But most of all, I love the happiness that shines from your eyes.  I love that contagious smile and those perfect little teeth.  Strangers can't help but smile back.  I love your magnetic personality and that you are so quick to apologize, even when you weren't in the wrong.  I love that you're a hugger.  I love that you notice people, that you remember names.

My prayer for you is that you will always be a blessing to everyone around you, that you will make people feel valued and important with authenticity.  I see so much of who you will be already present in your big personality and I pray that you will partner with God to achieve all that He has for you.

I love you, Bugga Boo.  Happiest of birthdays to my happiest of boys.

Love,
Your Mama

Some of my favorite pictures of your second year.

You've always been a water baby! 

Beach babe.

This truck is one of your favorite things.

Future Baylor Bear!

I've never seen you as happy as when you were atop this pony.

This Girl

I FINALLY finished Hallie's birthday post... four months late!  Whoops!  Life has been crazy hectic since September, and even more so since January.  I feel like it's slowed down a little now, so hopefully I can return to being a somewhat-regular blogger again!

This girl, this Hallie-Girl.

What can I say about this crazy girl?

This girl drives me absolutely crazy, yet keeps me sane.  All I ever wanted was to be a girl-mama, and this girl made that dream come true.  She turned my world upside-down.

(Not that she's girly, of course!  I wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea about this little sassafras.  Oh, she loves her princess toys and stuffed animals, but this girl can be more wild and noisy than both of her brothers.)


This girl, this Hallie-Girl.

What can I say about this beautiful girl?

I am constantly in awe of her confidence.  Regardless of what everyone else is doing, this girl has a persistent desire to be her own person.  Maybe it's because she is surrounded by boys, maybe it's because she's like her mama and likes doing things counter-flow.  Either way, this girl is one of a kind.

(When every other girl on the planet was asking for Frozen birthday parties, this girl wanted Katerina Kitty Cat, from Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood.  Do you know how difficult it is to plan a Katerina birthday party?  Very.  So Mama decided to go with Frozen.)

This girl is (finally) starting to get along with her brothers, using her extraordinary imagination for good instead of torture (haha).  Watching the three of them play together makes my heart happy.  This girl is always eager to help, eager to mother, eager to serve.


This girl, this Hallie-Girl.

What can I say about this spicy girl?

This girl is quirky, dramatic, sassy, and loud.  She's got these eyes that are always lit up with some sort of mischief.  These eyes with a color so hard to describe, I just call them "Hallie eyes."  When asked what color they are, she has been known to respond with "sparkly!"

This girl is bold.  This girl is risky.  This girl punctuates everything with an exclamation point.  This girl is always finding that line she isn't supposed to cross and walking it like a tight-rope (gets that from her Daddy).

This girl knows how to push all my buttons, but she's always pushing me to be a better mama, a better person. This girl is my refiner, the one who exposes my flaws so that I can bring them to the Lord.


This girl, this Hallie-Girl.

What can I say about her?

She's a rare jewel, a unique gift, and one that I am thankful for every single day.

Happy birthday, Wildflower... even if this post is four months late!

Some of my favorite pictures of your third year + fourth winter.

Swinging is STILL your favorite thing to do.

You've turned into quite the Daddy's Girl and I couldn't be happier.

My beauty.

You're my snuggliest! 

Birthday ice cream date with Daddy.

You are breathtaking!

To My First

I realize I never wrote a post for Gabriel on his birthday.  It was hectic trying to get everything ready to our trip to Israel that I couldn't find the time to sit and write something meaningful for my special, special boy.  So here it finally is, two months late!

My dear Gabriel,

You were my first newborn, my first crawler, my first toddler, my first introduction to this motherhood thing.

You were the first I said goodbye to at the church nursery, the first I left with someone other than myself, the first I took to Mother's Day Out, the first I cried over as I watched you go off into the world without me, even if it was only for a short period of time.

You were the first one to take a piece of my heart with you as you left my arms.

My mind is struggling with the reality that you will be a full-fledged preschooler soon.  In a few short weeks, you will leave the nest, test your wings, discover that you don't need your Mama as much as we both thought.

It begins, this letting go.  It excites me and it breaks my heart all at once.

You are entering a new stage of independence.  You will learn to do more and more things on your own, need me for less and less, although I hope you'll want my help for a wee bit longer yet.  You still need help getting your shoes on the right foot, but you've started saying, "I'm going to pretend you didn't tell me, so I did it all by myself."

Over the last year, I have watched you grow taller, yes, but I have also seen you become more tenderhearted.  You take care of your baby brother with such sweetness, always ready to share or play with him.  You have started getting along more with your little sister, too, which warms my heart.  I know she isn't the easiest person to play with!  Oh, and you love to pick your Mama flowers -- melt my heart!

You're so helpful.  I can always count on you to give Asher his sippy cup, pacifier, blankie, a different toy, or something that he's dropped.  You love to run and get a diaper or wipes for me, too, always proudly proclaiming, "I like to help you, Mommy!"

Only a few months ago, I would have called you shy, but I have seen you blossom as a four-year-old. You're still not the biggest talker, but you suddenly have much more to say to people other than your family.  You make friends more easily now, which makes me so excited for your coming days of preschool.

I love how you're always ready to "make a deal."  I'm not exactly sure where you first heard the phrase, but now you're always telling me things like, "If I share my candy, I don't have to share the Kindle, is that a deal?"  

You are constantly learning.  I can practically see the wheels turning in your head when you listen and you like to know that I understand what you say.  "Does that make sense, Mommy?"

You just turned four in May, but you already insist that you're almost five.  I guess that's fair, because when I look at you, I see a boy who is almost ten.  Almost fifteen.  Almost twenty.

When you have a little boy of your own, you'll understand just how quickly time flies.  And I'm sure when you look at him, you'll want to slow time down just a little, like I do when I look at you.

I love you more than you'll ever know, Mighty Man.  You'll always be my first.

Love,
Your Mama

Some of my favorite pictures of your fourth year + fifth summer.

Picking Mama flowers! 

Love this smile.

Soccer stud!

Beach babe!

The zoo might be your favorite place in the world.
Just wait until SeaWorld this summer!

Proud of your first Lego car that Daddy helped you build.

My Happy Blessing

Dear Readers,  I have been struggling with whether or not to share part of this post with y'all for almost a year.  Above all, I want to be transparent.  I don't want to only post about the good times, the easy parts of parenting, the cute things my kids do and say.  But at the same time, opening up to anyone who happens by my blog is scary.  However, I keep coming back to this post, so I'm thinking God wants me to put it out there.  Maybe someone needs to read it, to know that they're not alone, that others have been there and are there, that what they're going through is normal.  Thanks for reading. 

In those first few moments after Asher's birth, when they handed him to me and he lay on my chest crying, I fought feelings of near-dislike.

With my first two babies, as soon as I laid eyes on them, it was instant love. Instant connection. But with Asher, it was nothing.

He smelled funny and he would not stop crying.  I was crying.  

Why don't I like this child?

I held him, trying my hardest to love him.  I knew I did, I just didn't feel it.

When I found out I was pregnant with Asher, my emotions were so conflicted.  On the one hand, I was excited.  How could I not be?  A new baby to hold and love!  But at the same time, I was not ready to be pregnant again.  I wanted more kids, just not right away.  My last labor and delivery hadn't yet faded from memory and I just didn't know how I could go through that again so soon.

And here I was... committed to just that.

I fought this anxiety my entire pregnancy.  Thinking about labor would cause a sort of panic in my mind.  So I tried not to think about it.  I tried to focus on the fact that in a few short months, I would be holding a new little life.

However, trying not to think about it didn't really work.  It would come to me randomly, this dark cloud of apprehension.

I read blogs that other moms had written about postpartum depression and wondered if there was such a thing as "prepartum depression."  I felt hopeless, which then made me feel guilty that I wasn't as excited about this new baby as I had been for my first two.  But I could not seem to shake it.

So when I went into labor, I was freaking out internally.  It was so hard mentally, and I knew I could not do this again.  Fortunately, my body, my husband, and my midwife knew what to do.  And I did it (obviously).  At 1:41am on May 5, 2013, Asher entered the world.

And I didn't really like him.

What kind of mother was I?!

The next day in the hospital, I laid my new little boy on the bed and bent over him, studying him close.  He was alert, staring up at me, so I smiled and started talking.

And then he smiled.

He smiled at me.

Immediately, my heart burst with love for this wee little guy.  Something had broken and the feeling was tangible.  I picked him up and snuggled him close.

Asher hasn't stopped smiling.  He melts my heart on a daily basis.  There is just something about that little grin, the way his eyes crinkle, the sight of his little teeth.  It's wholly unlike anything I've seen before.

His smile is contagious.  When we're cruising around the grocery store, or out running errands, he just beams at everyone.  Perfect strangers smile back and comment on his happiness, and I just nod in agreement.  He really is that happy just about all the time.

I call him my happy blessing, which is what his name means.  And it couldn't be more true.  I feel so blessed that God gave this happy little boy to me, especially after how hard I struggled over the timing of his pregnancy.

I learned a much-needed lesson in trust and God's sovereignty.  Even though this was not what I had planned, not even necessarily what I wanted, at that point in my life, God knew better.

I still cry, even today, when I think that if I'd had it my way, my timing, Asher would not be here.

And I can't imagine life without him.  

Happy first birthday, Bugga Boo.  Your Mama loves you more than you'll ever know.

And now to share a few of my favorite Asher-smiles with y'all...

Fiesta-themed birthday party with a sombrero, mustache, and maraca!

First smile caught on camera at 4 days old!

Typical Asher at almost 4 months!

Enjoying springtime at 9 months! 

Normal happy vs. scrunch-faced happy (11 months).

I hope he brightens your day as much as he brightens mine!

Dearest Hallie

Dearest Hallie,

Today you turned two.  I can hardly believe it.  I remember holding you in my arms, just seconds old, and thinking you were the most beautiful person I'd ever laid eyes on.

And you were.  And I still think that.

But not because of how you look or how you act, even though both are beautiful.  No, your true beauty lies in whose you are, not who you are (and especially not what you look like).

You are mine.  Mine and your Dad's and God's.  And as long as you're ours, you will be beautiful, no matter what anyone else says.

I remember realizing I was pregnant with you.  I fell in love with you before I even met you.  I knew you were a little girl, but the moment we found out for sure, my heart burst with joy.  God had answered my prayers and given me the desire of my heart.  More than anything else in the world, I wanted a daughter.  (I hold on to that memory on your difficult days because, let's face it, they're called the Terrible Twos for a reason, and you entered that stage a few months early.)

I love you, Hallie Ruth.

I love the way your eyes light up when you get excited… and when you're doing something you know you shouldn't be doing.  I love how you make faces at yourself in the mirror.  I love how the simple things delight you, how you would be happy to swing at the park for hours if I had the strength and patience to push you (I'm sorry that I don't).  I love having tea parties with you, playing with you, talking with you, singing with you.

I love that you love shoes and pigtails and bracelets and lipstick and sunglasses.  I love that you love princesses and babies and stuffed animals.  I love your obsession with your (stuffed) puppies, Cuddles and Twinkle.  I love how you talk to them, like you expect them to respond.  ("Cuh-yules, where aaaaare you?")  I love the way you sing "Bob Tomato" at the top of your lungs, getting almost every word, and then laugh when-- "Look, Cucumber fall down!"

I love the way you talk, how you finish nearly every phrase with an exclamation point.  I love your little voice when I get you up from sleeping:  "G'morning, Mommy!  I'n awake!"  I love your "tank-yew"s and your "yew wekkom"s.  I love how you say "Sah-weh-yah" (Cinderella) and "Bay-elle" (Belle) and "See Booty" (Sleeping Beauty).  I love that you call things "cute" and "pitty" and "fee-ful."

Today, I want to make you a few promises.

I will always love you; nothing you ever, ever do will change the way I feel about you.  I will always encourage you to be the best person you can be.  I will always choose to be your mother over being your friend.  I will always help you weather the storms of life, not shielding you, but beside you.  I will always be there for you--until death prevents me--to talk, to listen, to share life.

I will push you to try new things.  I will encourage you to read, dance, make music and art, write, and sing.  I will aid you in discovering what you're good at, what you love, and then assist you in becoming better.  I will let you learn from your mistakes as much as I can.  I will help you become independent.  I will teach you about being a woman and a wife and a mother and making a house a home.  I will show you how to cook and clean and manage a house (although I may send you to Nana's to learn from her!).

I will help you set high standards for friendships, for boys, and for yourself.  I will assist you in finding God's purpose for your life and then achieving it.  I will teach you that honoring God with your life is the most important thing you can ever do.  I will show you what it means to trust Him with everything.  I will help you understand that both blessings and trials are a part of life and that the tough times will make you stronger.  I will instruct you about true beauty and who you really are.

I will never value your physical self more than your spiritual or emotional self.  I will never insist on you becoming something that you are not.  I will never pressure you to look a certain way.  I will never compare you to anyone else.  I will never shelter you from the consequences of your choices, because that's how we learn, but I will always offer help if you ask for it.  I will never judge you or condemn you, no matter what.

I will always be your biggest fan, your cheerleader, your protector, your comforter, your mother.

And I will always keep my promises to you.

Happy birthday.

Love,
Your Mama

Swinging at 9 months

First birthday

Swinging at 12 months

Swinging at 23 months

THREE

I can't believe it.  My sweet firstborn is now three years old.

I'm freaking out a little bit.

It seems like yesterday I was meeting him for the first time.  He wouldn't stop crying after he was born and it just about broke my post-birth-new-mama heart.  Then I started nursing him.  That quieted him down real quick!  My boy has always loved to eat!

Gabriel has fully embraced being three.  He's been talking about his "happy birthday" since Drew's birthday in October!  He learned how to hold up three little fingers and has been informing everyone, "I be hee on my happy birthday!"

Around the middle of April, I noticed a definite change in his behavior.  He stopped acting like a toddler and started acting three.  Even his teachers at MDO noticed it.  He has grown more independent, more vocal, more decisive, and more argumentative.

This morning, he told me, "I get socks and shirt and pants my own self."  Despite misgivings that he even knew what drawers to look in, I let him do it.

He came downstairs a few minutes later with two pairs of socks, swim trunks, and the matching shirt.  I laughed and showed him that it was a swimsuit and he traipsed back up to try again.  This time, he returned with a t-shirt and boxers.

After explaining to him that the boxers were really underwear ("No, they are not underwear!"  "They are boxers, like Daddy wears sometimes.  See?"), he tried one more time, successfully retrieving a pair of denim shorts.

Gabriel is growing up.

And I'm not sure if I'm really ready for a preschooler.

Around 2 weeks old.

Eight months old.

First birthday.

Nineteen months old.

Two years old.

Two-and-a-half.

THREE!