First Day of Kindergarten!

Well, I have a Kindergartener.

It's been a crazy-busy summer and time has just flown by, leaving me vainly grasping for more lazy days and pool time and after-dinner freeze pops.

I was a mess this morning.  Anxiety was threatening to make me sick, emotions were running high, Hallie wouldn't get dressed, I hadn't gotten groceries so it was slim pickings for breakfast... it was rough.  And we had to be out the door by 7:30am.  My kids usually wake up between 7:30 and 8.

I was near tears.

Drew had to remind me of reality.  "It's not five days like last year; it's only three.  You can do it."  

The school Gabriel is enrolled in is university model, meaning he's home two days and in the classroom two days.  I needed the reminder that I'm only letting go a little bit today.  I let go a lot more last year and it was fine.

Still, last year was preschool.  He was still a little kid.  This is Kindergarten.  Big kid territory.

I'm not ready to have a real-school-aged kid!

But I'll count my blessings that I get to homeschool him on Mondays and Fridays and that he only has half days on Wednesdays.

And that someone else can teach him to read.  Hallelujah.

First day of school excitement!

I'm such a sucker for kids in uniforms! 

He's acting out MY disbelief. ;)

Ignore our dead grass.  After major flooding in May, Houston's been a desert. :/ We can't catch a break.

Heading to class after assembly. 

First Day of Pre-K!

I did it.  I sent my boy off to his first day of pre-k today.

I thought I'd have to hold back tears, dropping him off at his first day of five-day preschool.  I mean, I cried the first morning I sent him to Mothers' Day Out, y'all!

But surprisingly, I wasn't a wreck... even though he didn't even ask for a "big hug-kiss" goodbye.

I was mainly excited.  Excited for this new chapter in his life, excited for him to learn independence, excited for another adult to pour into his life, excited for him to make friends on his own.

Still, as I sit writing this, I can't help but feel that it was just a moment ago that I was holding him in my arms for the first time, and now he's taken the first steps out of my arms and into the world.  The part of his childhood that was fully reliant on his Mama is slipping away.

... and now the tears are coming!  Whew!

Anyway.  Here are some pictures of his first day of school!

"Mama, do you want me to smile or laugh?"

We unknowingly bought the same backpack and shoes as his Uncle Anderson!

Gabriel and his teacher, Miss Brenda. 

Dearest Hallie

Dearest Hallie,

Today you turned two.  I can hardly believe it.  I remember holding you in my arms, just seconds old, and thinking you were the most beautiful person I'd ever laid eyes on.

And you were.  And I still think that.

But not because of how you look or how you act, even though both are beautiful.  No, your true beauty lies in whose you are, not who you are (and especially not what you look like).

You are mine.  Mine and your Dad's and God's.  And as long as you're ours, you will be beautiful, no matter what anyone else says.

I remember realizing I was pregnant with you.  I fell in love with you before I even met you.  I knew you were a little girl, but the moment we found out for sure, my heart burst with joy.  God had answered my prayers and given me the desire of my heart.  More than anything else in the world, I wanted a daughter.  (I hold on to that memory on your difficult days because, let's face it, they're called the Terrible Twos for a reason, and you entered that stage a few months early.)

I love you, Hallie Ruth.

I love the way your eyes light up when you get excited… and when you're doing something you know you shouldn't be doing.  I love how you make faces at yourself in the mirror.  I love how the simple things delight you, how you would be happy to swing at the park for hours if I had the strength and patience to push you (I'm sorry that I don't).  I love having tea parties with you, playing with you, talking with you, singing with you.

I love that you love shoes and pigtails and bracelets and lipstick and sunglasses.  I love that you love princesses and babies and stuffed animals.  I love your obsession with your (stuffed) puppies, Cuddles and Twinkle.  I love how you talk to them, like you expect them to respond.  ("Cuh-yules, where aaaaare you?")  I love the way you sing "Bob Tomato" at the top of your lungs, getting almost every word, and then laugh when-- "Look, Cucumber fall down!"

I love the way you talk, how you finish nearly every phrase with an exclamation point.  I love your little voice when I get you up from sleeping:  "G'morning, Mommy!  I'n awake!"  I love your "tank-yew"s and your "yew wekkom"s.  I love how you say "Sah-weh-yah" (Cinderella) and "Bay-elle" (Belle) and "See Booty" (Sleeping Beauty).  I love that you call things "cute" and "pitty" and "fee-ful."

Today, I want to make you a few promises.

I will always love you; nothing you ever, ever do will change the way I feel about you.  I will always encourage you to be the best person you can be.  I will always choose to be your mother over being your friend.  I will always help you weather the storms of life, not shielding you, but beside you.  I will always be there for you--until death prevents me--to talk, to listen, to share life.

I will push you to try new things.  I will encourage you to read, dance, make music and art, write, and sing.  I will aid you in discovering what you're good at, what you love, and then assist you in becoming better.  I will let you learn from your mistakes as much as I can.  I will help you become independent.  I will teach you about being a woman and a wife and a mother and making a house a home.  I will show you how to cook and clean and manage a house (although I may send you to Nana's to learn from her!).

I will help you set high standards for friendships, for boys, and for yourself.  I will assist you in finding God's purpose for your life and then achieving it.  I will teach you that honoring God with your life is the most important thing you can ever do.  I will show you what it means to trust Him with everything.  I will help you understand that both blessings and trials are a part of life and that the tough times will make you stronger.  I will instruct you about true beauty and who you really are.

I will never value your physical self more than your spiritual or emotional self.  I will never insist on you becoming something that you are not.  I will never pressure you to look a certain way.  I will never compare you to anyone else.  I will never shelter you from the consequences of your choices, because that's how we learn, but I will always offer help if you ask for it.  I will never judge you or condemn you, no matter what.

I will always be your biggest fan, your cheerleader, your protector, your comforter, your mother.

And I will always keep my promises to you.

Happy birthday.

Love,
Your Mama

Swinging at 9 months

First birthday

Swinging at 12 months

Swinging at 23 months

Yes is Good

Last week, I said yes.

Gabriel has been begging me to paint ever since I bought him a paint set.  Six months ago.

I always had excuses as for why we couldn't.  I was too tired.  I had to make dinner.  We didn't have two brushes, so Hallie couldn't.  It was nap time.  It was lunch time.  It was dinner time.

If you can think of an excuse, I probably gave it to him.

But last week, I finally said yes.

He was so excited!

I explained about not mixing colors, and he did his best to keep the purple out of the yellow and the black out of the red.

We gave Sister some crayons and she was just as content as if she'd had her own paintbrush, and Mama was happy not to have to clean up her mess. (I realize I won't be able to do this much longer.)

Despite his recent aversion to the camera and posing, Gabriel was more than happy to show off his masterpiece (or half of it).

And when he was finally finished, he looked at me with those big brown eyes of his and said, "Mama, we play playdoh now?"

And you know what?  I couldn't say no.

So I said yes.

Not sure what to do with it.

Makin' snakes.

I want to say yes more often.  Yes brings joy to little faces, little hands, little hearts.

And in doing so, yes brings joy to big hearts.

"Look, it's Baby Jesus!"  Um, what??

It's not about saying yes all the time.  

It's about saying yes when I can.  When I can push through being tired.  When I can postpone lunch or dinner by a half hour.  When I can make a choice to expend my own energy to give them something to do, rather than putting on a show.

In those moments, saying yes is good.

Just Like Mama

Me:  "Gabriel, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
Gabriel: "I be just like you, Mama!"

No.  Joke.  My heart melted.  Pretty much instant tears.

And then I got super convicted.

Because sometimes, I hear him say things to his sister that make me cringe.  Not because of how ugly it is, but because I recognize where he heard it.  It is an echo of something that I have said to him.

I've often heard that marriage is like a mirror -- in doing life with someone else, you become more aware of the areas in your own life that need to change.  But I would say that having kids is even more of a mirror. (and not just because you might have a mini-me running around under your feet!)

A sweet friend of mine (who actually just became a mommy this morning!) posted this quote on Instagram about a week ago.  It was probably the day after the above conversation with my son, so it was a timely word for me.

I'm trying to be conscious of my shortcomings as a person and a parent.  Not to focus on negatives, but to change that part of me for my children.  I fail literally every day.  Multiple times.

But by the grace of God, I will eventually become the type of person I want my kids imitating and emulating.

And you know what?  His power is made PERFECT in my weakness.

Where I am weak, there He is strong.

Hallelujah!

Worrying and Sparrows

Tuesday was Gabriel's first day of Mother's Day Out.

I woke up that morning with my stomach in knots.

Seriously... one would have thought it was my first day at "school."

I'd been struggling with our decision to put him in MDO since we first signed him up.  On the one hand, I knew it would be good for both of us -- me having a break from a needy toddler and G. having social interaction and stimulation.  But on the other hand, I was not ready to hand my son over to someone else for five hours, two days a week.

He's only two, people!

Drew asked me if I was okay; I shook my head and started crying.

"What if he hates it?"

I had visions of me dropping off a screaming kid, trying to juggle a second on my hip, while explaining his potty training situation and the teachers not hearing a word over Gabriel's cries.  And then Hallie would start crying, because she doesn't like it when Bubba cries and because she might be next... and she hates the church nursery.

But Drew assured me that everything would be fine and then he prayed over me and Gabriel.

And you know what?  Everything was fine.  I had nothing to worry about.

In fact, when I picked him up, he didn't want to leave.  He tried to take me and Hallie to the indoor playground, finally agreeing to go home only when he realized he was coming back in two days.

Gabriel's art from his first day.  He told me it was yucky.

I so needed him to have a happy experience the first day.  For me.  To be able to let go.  I think letting go is one of the hardest things to do as a mama.

But God reminded me through this experience that nothing is too small for Him.  I am pretty good at remembering to talk to Him about the big stuff; I don't think I've ever thought a problem was too big for Him to handle.  But I am certainly guilty of assuming that things are too small for Him to bother with.

And y'all... that is a mistake!

So, friends, I'm here to tell you:  no worry is too small to take to our Heavenly Father.

Jesus assures us that God knows when a sparrow falls from its nest.  A sparrow!  And then Jesus says,

"So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Matthew 10:31

I've always read that verse and thought, "Well, duh."  But now I see it in a whole new light.  If God knows any time any bird falls to the ground; if He has time to number the hairs on my head; surely He has the time -- interest -- to listen to my seemingly insignificant cares.

And y'all... that just makes me want to weep.  The God of the universe, who created everything out of nothing, cares for what I care about.

Amazing.